Confessions of a Human Nerve Ending

Brownsville Revisited You try not to be critical, try not to revisit decisions that admittedly shaped who you are, but your mind does it anyway. You were a child, at the mercy of 2 adults who were doing the best they can, and, through today's perspective, bit off way more than they could possibly chew. How do you decide to become a parent? How do you decide to do it again two years later and two years after that? So that in a span of 6 years your family morphs from 2 to 5. Suddenly, you're not just bouncing from one job to the next because you're not sure what you want to do, but you're bouncing from one career to the next because you have 5 mouths to feed. Every decision is strung around your neck like a noose and you can't untie the knot, tranfer it to another neck or let it hang you. Is this the right job? Can we build a house, find a church, rear a family, acheive some sort of personal satisfaction in a small border town on the Rio Grande? Looking back, you can ...

Sometimes waiting for something to happen, a website to show a post, a bit of news to be relayed, a tray of cookies to finish cooking, water to boil for tea reminds me that at other times I'm looking down Embudo Canyon and watching, watching snow fall. The flakes don't rush to the ground nor seem able to avoid actually falling, there is gravity afterall, but they just are, falling, falling, drifting, swinging back and forth across the sky and I am watching them and simply not waiting anymore. February 9, 2010